Today has been an odd day.
Do you ever have those? You just wake up and there is a sense of undirected magnetism in the air. Your thoughts are on a different wavelength, your focus is redirected to a distant idea, and your actions seem almost hypnotic.
Today was one of those days.
But do you want to know the one thing that makes me feel present during days like this? Writing. Yup, just going at that pencil and paper – or keyboard and computer.
And so that is what I planned to do – all throughout today – as I was busy training clients, leading bootcamps, and running errands – all that I felt compelled to do was write.
And while I don’t have a specific topic to write on like I do most days – I decided to just start and see where the keyboard takes me. Maybe that is the point of this writing – to acknowledge that sometimes we don’t always need a point. That we are able to just be. That we don’t always have to play the role of a leader, a teacher, a student, a “do-er”, or whatever else our days require of us. And that nothing is wrong with us if we just check out for a bit.
So, today I checked out – but now I am checking in.
I am feeling a bit confused by certain things in life. Things that are turning out in different ways than I expected. Things that teach me I cannot expect others to feel as grateful, patient, and connected as I strive to. (Not to say that I am perfect at these things in the least.)
I am also feeling more aware these days that my home really isn’t here. It is in the Kingdom of Heaven. And today while in prayer, I began to pray about specific topics. But mid prayer I felt God telling me to just stop – to stop and to let Him hold me. I felt as if He was saying, “Brittnei, I know… I know… and I am sorry you must face these feelings and trials. That anyone of my followers must. But this is what sin causes in a fallen world. But just be strong, I see you, and you are passing through.”
I found encouragement in this, but also a sense of detachment from my surroundings for some reason. Detachment from trying to engage with most things today. And yet through this sense of detachment I also found connectivity to how Jesus sees and loves me – sees us.
It is an interesting thing.
Lately, I also feel more determined than ever to run my race. To run it well and to love others who might cause some of this confusion I feel. I can only pray to be more Christ-like despite my human emotions saying fight back. Jesus, all knowing – all powerful – all graceful – did not combat those who opposed him through anger, insults, and combativeness. He simply spoke and walked His truth – the truth – and loved them with a different love that is not dependent on how they treated Him. It’s a “not of this world” kind of love that He shared with us so that we might also strive to live in that kind of love.
But I wonder if Jesus ever felt lonely as he embodied this unconditional love for His creation? Even when I try my best to live in this kind of love – a love I could never come close to fulfilling or perfecting like He did – I feel a sense of isolation. For me, I think this is because I experience a slight heart-break each time those I try to have this love for – act in ways – or say things – that challenge the love. But perhaps with each “let down” from others I find more strength in being able to work towards living in this love constantly, regardless of how others react.
Jesus wasn’t kidding when he said it costs to follow Him (John 15:18). So, after some thinking I personally believe He did feel this loneliness at times – Hebrews 4 in the Bible also tells us that Jesus is not a God who is unable to empathize with us. He is a God who was tempted and felt the human emotions that we did – only He did not sin because of them.
Realizing this, it makes sense that He would want to just hold us in His arms sometimes – as He explained to me during praying today. He is our father after all – and fathers love to hold and protect their children when they are feeling down or lost.
Something interesting I also have found is that this “lonely” feeling I have become more aware of has also brought a new sense of courage. It’s as if once you accept that the path you choose to walk might mean you are different than others – things don’t seem so intimidating anymore. You know you are different. You can’t expect others to behave as you. Or to always accept you. So really, what is there to worry about?
This courage also gives me some excitement as well. It makes things seem less serious and reminds me that this life is short and heaven is long. While we all have things that we must take care of in this life – remember to do so with a touch of humor. Don’t allow anything to surprise you so much so that it knocks you completely off your rocker. I also am learning more everyday that we don’t always have to fight fire with fire. Choosing to act differently than the world will produce different and powerful outcomes. You might not always see them, but they will make their mark in one way or another.
So – live your trueness in love, but maintain your power.
In the end, I guess you can decide for yourself what point you will take away from this short writing. Maybe you had one of those odd days too – or maybe you will in the future. Either way, I hope you now know you aren’t alone – and there is excitement to be found in being separate.
Thank you for reading,